CuervoBlood

i will be leaving this blog and beginning a new one… I’ve got a concept and thoughts..unless i redesign this one.. we’ll see…

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One day, a scorpion looked around at the mountain where he lived and decided that he wanted a change. So he set out on a journey through the forests and hills. He climbed over rocks and under vines and kept going until he reached a river.

The river was wide and swift, and the scorpion stopped to reconsider the situation. He couldn’t see any way across. So he ran upriver and then checked downriver, all the while thinking that he might have to turn back.

Suddenly, he saw a frog sitting in the rushes by the bank of the stream on the other side of the river. He decided to ask the frog for help getting across the stream.

“Hellooo Mr. Frog!” called the scorpion across the water, “Would you be so kind as to give me a ride on your back across the river?”

“Well now, Mr. Scorpion! How do I know that if I try to help you, you wont try to kill me?” asked the frog hesitantly.

“Because,” the scorpion replied, “If I try to kill you, then I would die too, for you see I cannot swim!”

Now this seemed to make sense to the frog. But he asked. “What about when I get close to the bank? You could still try to kill me and get back to the shore!”

“This is true,” agreed the scorpion, “But then I wouldn’t be able to get to the other side of the river!”

“Alright then…how do I know you wont just wait till we get to the other side and THEN kill me?” said the frog.

“Ahh…,” crooned the scorpion, “Because you see, once you’ve taken me to the other side of this river, I will be so grateful for your help, that it would hardly be fair to reward you with death, now would it?!”

So the frog agreed to take the scorpion across the river. He swam over to the bank and settled himself near the mud to pick up his passenger. The scorpion crawled onto the frog’s back, his sharp claws prickling into the frog’s soft hide, and the frog slid into the river. The muddy water swirled around them, but the frog stayed near the surface so the scorpion would not drown. He kicked strongly through the first half of the stream, his flippers paddling wildly against the current.

Halfway across the river, the frog suddenly felt a sharp sting in his back and, out of the corner of his eye, saw the scorpion remove his stinger from the frog’s back. A deadening numbness began to creep into his limbs.

“You fool!” croaked the frog, “Now we shall both die! Why on earth did you do that?”

The scorpion shrugged, and did a little jig on the drownings frog’s back.

“I could not help myself. It is my nature.”

Then they both sank into the muddy waters of the swiftly flowing river.

Self destruction - “Its my Nature”, said the Scorpion…

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(JOHN) SUMMER LOVIN’
HAD ME A BLAST
(OLIVIA) SUMMER LOVIN’
HE CAME TO FAST
^
(JOHN) I MET A GIRL
WHO WENT DOWN
ON HER KNEE’S
(OLIVIA) MET A BOY

WHO WAS HUNG
LIKE A TREE

(BOTH)
SUMMER DAYS
I’M GETTING LAID
TO UH OH THOSE
SUMMER NIGHTS
^
(JOHN) TELL ME MORE
TELL ME MORE
YES I GOT VERY FAR
(OLIVIA) TELL ME MORE
TELL ME MORE DID YOU
F**K IN HIS CAR
^

(JOHN) THIS CHICK RAN
BY ME SHE HAD THE CRABS
(OLIVIA) HE RAN BY ME
AND GOT MY JEANS DAMP
^
(JOHN) SHE GOT SO WET
SHE NEARLY DROWNED
(OLIVIA) HE SHOWED
OFF JERKING AROUND

^
(BOTH)
SUMMER SUN
SOMETHINGS BEGUN
BUT UH OH THOSE
SUMMER NIGHTS
^
(OLIVIA) TELL ME MORE
TELL ME MORE
DIDN’T PUT UP A FIGHT
(JOHN) TELL ME MORE
TELL ME MORE DID SHE
NIBBLE OR BITE
^

(JOHN) I WENT BOWLING
UP HER ARCADE
(OLIVIA) WE WENT
STROLLIN’ THEN
I GOT LAID
^
(JOHN) WE MADE OUT
SHE SUCKED MY C**K
(OLIVIA) THEN WE
F**KED
TILL’ 2 O’CLOCK
^
(BOTH)
SUMMER FLING
DON’T MEAN A THING
BUT UH OH THOSE
SUMMER NIGHTS
^
(JOHN) TELL ME MORE
TELL ME MORE YEAH
I GOTTA BRAG
(OLIVIA) TELL ME MORE
TELL ME MORE ‘CAUSE HE
SOUNDS LIKE A FAG

(OLIVIA) HE GOT FRIENDLY
HIS HAND DOWN MY PANTS
(JOHN) WELL SHE GOT
FRIENDLY WENT
DOWN ON MY GLAND
^
(OLIVIA) IT WAS SWEET THEN
I WIPED MY FACE CLEAN
(JOHN) OH SHE WAS GOOD
IF YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN
^
(BOTH)
SUMMER HEAT
BOY AND GIRL MEET
BUT UH OH THOSE
SUMMER NIGHTS
^
(OLIVIA) TELL ME MORE
TELL ME MORE HE THOUGHT
THIS WAS THE END
(JOHN) TELL ME MORE
TELL ME MORE THEN SHE
BROUGHT IN A FRIEND

(OLIVIA) IT TURNED SOFTER
SHE SAID AH NUTS!
(JOHN) SO I ROLLED HER
OVER AND STUCK IT
IN HER BUTT
^
(OLIVIA) I SAID GOODBYE
AND KICKED HIS (@$%&#!) OUT
(JOHN) WONDER WHO
SHE’S F**KING NOW
^
(BOTH)
SUMMER DREAMS
CREAMED IN MY JEANS
BUT AAAAHHH!
THOSE SUMMER NIGHTS

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Is jumping out of it’s chest.

I thought of my son today, Nathan. His mother and I are not on good terms, and I’m not in his life the way i should. I contribute child support as well as back payments, for things he needs, but i’m not in his life emotionally and mentally the way id like, the way he deserves, and the way i should be and I am a horrible horrible person for that. I won’t go into lengthy detail but I will say i live with regrets.

I watched a clip from an old show today and it left me in tears. its so stupid, but i got emotional over it.. over this… and my heart hasnt stopped pounding hard since.. it hurts.

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A lot of times I question myself I see traits in me common to my astrological sign. every now and then I do research and I’m amazed at what I come up with.. Here’s what I find today————

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Scorpio is the eighth astrological sign in the Zodiac, originating from the constellation of Scorpius. As the eighth sign in the zodiac, Scorpio is associated with the astrological house number 8, which is associated with natural Scorpio matters - birth, death, transformation, deeply committed relationships of all kinds, and the occult and psychic matters.

Scorpio also has associations with three animal symbols: the scorpion, the snake, and the phoenix (or Eagle). Each sign represents different levels of power related to personal strength, individual power, and even intimidation based on cultural associations with these different animals. All three symbols indicate the fierce determination of the Scorpio symbol to triumph over odds and to be ruthless in pursuing goals, traits that are evident in the personality characteristics attributed to Scorpio individuals.

In Greek mythology the Scorpion was summoned by the wrathful goddess Artemis, who called upon the creature to destroy Orion. Orion was a giant and he was more than mortal, but less than a god or goddess. He was the son of Poseidon, the sea god, and is often supposed to be the son of Gaia, as were all giants. It is not clear what Orion did to anger Artemis. According to one version, he tried to rape one of her handmaidens and according to another, he may have tried to force himself on Artemis herself. Of all the goddesses, however, Artemis may have been the worst one to cross. She was the goddess of the hunt and the goddess of revenge, and she was ruthless and violent once angered. She became furious with Orion’s impudence and commanded a giant scorpion to attack him. The scorpion stung Orion and killed him. Artemis placed her servant in the heavens as a reward for doing her bidding.

Scorpios are:
* Intense
* Powerful, tough
* Determined, tenacious and persevering. Ambitious.
* Willful
* Highly emotional and sensitive OKEN GOODMAN
* Appearing cool and calm, but seething underneath
* Imaginative and intuitive
* Secretive
* Deep, profound
* Tending to be revengeful (if hurt), unforgiving GOODMAN,
can become the most loyal friend or the most treacherous enemy
* Proud
* Loyal and devotional OKEN GOODMAN
* Extreme and all-out OKEN. fanatically focused
* Passionate
* Mysterious, magnetically attractive and exciting
* Deeply resentful, brooding and potentially destructive
* Strong critical perception and analytical ability
* Controlling / Manipulative
* Serious but quite charming to people they like, and when social events call for it
* Reserved and withdrawn
* Dignified

(Alan Oken does delineate a rare “dove” type of Scorpio individuals that are able to transcent some of the problematic aspects of this sign.)

(Kelli Fox states that Scorpio is one of the sexiest signs of the Zodiac, and its reputation is outshined only by its reality as a magnetic, brave sign that can become possessive and vengeful when given proper motivation)

This was said by an anonymous user here: http://www.ehow.com/tips_14546_3.html

“We seem to entertain and indulge in a world of secrecy and mystery, even though it may not be intentional. For the ladies, it may be something about our dress, the way we frown when we smile, the way we look in our sunglasses or even our new red lipstick. For the men, it may be the way they can wear a white T-shirt, look at you like no one else has, or have a conversation that lasts 5 minutes, but is deeper than any conversation you’ve had in the last 5 years. It’s natural, it’s sexy and it’s unusual. We know it. It’s where we get our confidence. I find that the most common reaction to a Scorpio woman is intrigue and then fear. We are timid underneath and do not want to be hurt. Like the Leo, we want to be recognized and enjoyed, but on an entirely deeper level. The way we test you is to inject a little fear through our sharp wit, constructive criticism and even adoration. We want to know who is strong enough to withstand our needs and respect us for more than just the sign we represent. So a public, masculine embrace that goes on forever tells us more than when you buy us a drink and ask us home after. Insecurity comes in many forms and with the Scorpio, it runs deep. We are eternal, analytical and inquisitive. By speaking to you (the fact we have spoken to you first, means we have noticed you), we start our probing and gather your reaction. It may seem rather obsessive, but we analyze this detail; days, even months after meeting with you. Maybe while not speaking to you in this time. First impressions count. We remember a lot. We hear a love ballad like you will never hear it. We like surprise, but we also like consistency. We love games, of the harmless variety. We love to bounce off people, naturally. We love it if you can keep up, even if you don’t understand. Some days we don’t want to greet the world, it takes a lot of energy out of us to be ourselves and be enjoyed. Always call if you are going to come over. If you have a friend that likes to hermit without giving a reason, they could be a Scorpio. We just need a little sanctuary to recharge and process all that data. Most of us love astrology and will have all our close friends tell us their date of birth… not to get you a birthday card.. but to get a second opinion on what’s going on underneath, and what the future may hold. We crave predicting outcomes and may role play in our heads.. it’s a rehearsal. It’s all a part of protecting who we are and preserving those we love. We know what we can be like when we are hot tempered, persecuted and blamed. We are misunderstood and complex… but it can all be resolved with good communication, space, time and that love we crave, but may not show. When a Scorpio loves you, it may be love of the tough variety and then the purest love you can imagine. Our life is a journey that is filled with selfishness in trying to grow, discover who we are and where we fit. But it’s all for the benefit of being the best friend, lover, mother, father, sister and brother we can be to you. We apologize (more sincerely than the spoken word), we forgive (but love the grudge, since we never forget), we are jealous (that we have not grown to be like you or liked by you, yet), we change our coats regularly and we compete to the last breath. We really love you, but we are trying to love what you love about us. But it’s all good.”

and then theres my horoscope for the weekend which freaked me out based on whats on my mind from my last entry:

Scorpio horoscope for 24 January, 2009
You have doubts about whether people like you. You can discover how important this is to you. You are challenged to come out of a defensive mode and engage the people you really must get along with.

The Scorpio person is passionate, powerful, penetrating, intense, determined, compelling, purposeful, keenly perceptive, brave, deep, complex, analytical, inquisitive, sensual, resourceful, ambitious, magnetic, hypnotic, creative, intriguing, profound, loyal, supportive, protective, generous, humble, quiet, and encompassing. The Scorpion can be prone to cunning, suspicion, compulsiveness, aggressiveness, jealousy, tenacious, unreliability, deviousness, paranoia, mistrusting, competitiveness, cruelty, manipulative, quick-tempered, possessiveness, obsessive, angry and controlling. In medical astrology Scorpio governs the pelvis and reproductive organs.

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Its trippy to read all this, see much of it in myself(not all) and not know what to take from it. Scorpios are kings of reinvention and we learn from mistakes, even mistakes of others..

I just want to love and be loved- knowing im loved.

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I haven’t drank since Christmas, but that changed last night when I went to Karaoke with some friends. I bought a beer or two for a few friends and ill be honest, my list was 2 Heineken, 2 Bacardi and cokes, a shot of buttershot rum, and a long island ice tea, over the course of 4 hours. I didn’t get sick, but I got bold… but didn’t lose my sense of morals. I was around a lot of coworkers and there was one imparticular who came blitzed. She couldn’t walk right and she was basically stripper dancing to half the songs, hooting, hollering, loud. She almost burned me with her cigarette.

I thought about my long distance partner a lot last night. I missed her, and hoped she was missing me as well.

There’s a barrier in me, a mental one where I just… I don’t know my value. I don’t know what I’m worth to who and my value is questioned in my mind. I think about it more often when drinking, but i do as well, when sober. I just question my worth, which leads to questioning what I’m worth to who. There are bonds, I don’t want to lose, or break even though my value seems little sometimes in them. Discussing worth only stands to aggrivate and then it just feels like I’m even less important cause now the other person is upset at me for asking something I just wanted to know the answer to. Statements say one thing, actions can lead to me thinking another and my questions just bring it to a different sadder level and i wish i weren’t this way, but I am. I don’t know how to change it and I don’t know how to go about talking about it so I’m just writing it to let it out.

It’s hard when my brain is telling me “everything you say is WRONG! YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE!” and other say it’s not true, and then I just end up thinking “I’m stupid for thinking it in the first place, maybe i am just a god damned idiot.”

I can’t win with myself. I hate thinking about it but i can’t stop either.

I just wish I could turn my brain off.

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Todays horoscope-

you aren’t afraid of hard work and, in fact, might even be eager for the opportunity now to demonstrate what you can do. Luckily, you have a few rabbits up your sleeve and could amaze others with your magic. You can be productive beyond anyone’s expectations. Don’t worry about receiving any positive feedback today; you’ll need to wait a bit for that.

and my lucky number for the day says-

You’re operating at a slower speed today, and may feel a very real loss of momentum and drive. Guard against moodiness by surrounding yourself with people you love and respect. Your ultimate comfort today comes from people who know you best.

I’ve been feeling quite accomplished at work. I been Toy Department Manager 3 days and I feel I’m getting the functions under control and performing well given minimal training with only slight experience with a Telxon. I was proud of the work I’ve done and accomplished but I do feel completely worn out by the time I return home. My temperature is normal but i feel like my body is flushed with fever. My legs and muscles are sore and I can’t seem to shake it.

As for surrounding myself with people I love and respect, I’m trying but don’t feel my efforts were well received. Sometimes, I just can’t say anything without feeling I’ve done something wrong.

I’m at a low right now. I can understand why nobody would want to be around me. Heck, I don’t want to be around me.

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It’s time for a change. Find your morals, choose your values, live your ethics.

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Its been a while since i posted anything. I did an overnight toy mod where i was up all night and by the time i got here, i didn’t feel like writing. While overnight, i received word that I mad department manager of toys. I’m now the Dept Manager! yay me.

Yesterday was my first day as manager. it’s a whole new set of hours than im used to and i have to adjust. i came home and i was so worn out, tired, and sore that i showered and fell asleep til 9pm. woke up, stayed up waiting a while then crashed back out til 2am.

When walking home yesterday i picked up a handful of snow. don’t know why, just did and let emotion flow into my mind. Cold, growing wetter as it melts in the warmth of my palm, water tracing my fingers as it drips off. hurt slowly flowing up my arm as the coldness sets in.. but feeling made me feel alive.

I miss someone terribly right now and i keep on missing her.. it’s hard to handle..

I’m broke as hell. come on thursday, i need my money…..

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I was stupid to think that I mattered. I was stupid to think that anyone would care about my one little life in the stupid northeast corner of the us. Me, actually matter? What the hell was i thinking?

A Place For My Head - Linkin Park

I never mattered. I see I still don’t.

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